How fucking annoying

 Band aids

This is what I find extremely annoying. Band-Aid comments. I guarantee, except for Nelly cause who gives a shit why he wears one on his face, put a Band-Aid anywhere on your person, and people will ask you about it. Now Band-Aid’s have been around since 1921 when some guy named Earle was concerned about his wife cutting her fingers while cooking him dishes in the kitchen and made the first one (later his boss, James Johnson ripped off the idea, made him VP and made Johnson & Johnson a lot of fucking money), true story but I digress. Try this tomorrow. Put a Band-Aid on your finger, your hand, neck ... anywhere visible and you will have at least 14 comments about it. Why do people care?

‘What’d ya do to yourself? Knife slip?’… huge guffaw.

‘What happened? Cut yourself?’

’Nah, just love wearing Band-Aid’s, fuck head!’

People don’t even care why really. They just want to ask. I reckon it’s the attention factor we got as kids, brandishing a Band-Aid on a scraped knee during some sort of incredible kiddy adventure. After the tears and mercurochrome, it was a statement of valour. Every kid was secretly envious of that band-aided knee, finger, chin … it was the mark of a champion and a story to tell. But when you’re 53 and you have a skin tag that’s catching on a seat belt, and you have a small round Band-Aid on it-nobody needs to know about it.

 

Don’t touch me there

How annoying is this when you are pregnant? Strangers touching your tummy and believing whole heartedly that it’s ok to do so. You’d be strangers on a train if you were not sporting a small bump filled with baby. It happened often to me in a supermarket, at the football once, on the street, in the post office. ‘Ask me first mother fucker, I don’t know you, but I might say yes’. When did I become public property? I can’t imagine going up to anyone not pregnant, that I didn’t know and touching them on the tummy, and saying ‘Hmmm, just imagining if you were pregnant’. It is not cool. I realised though that if I kept my hand on my stomach, they wouldn’t be so quick to reach out, no-one wants to touch your hand or any other part of you, cause that makes you real, although on one occasion a lady at Woollies in the confectionery aisle, slipped her hand next to mine anyway. I wanted to say to her, ‘you know I’m here too, don’t you? That belly you’re touching is part of me, right?’ I swear she would have had the shock of her life…it talks! Fucking annoying.

Senseless technology

Annoying much? I was at a service station café halfway up the Sunshine coast and stopped to get my five-year-old a small milk shake.

‘Can’t do a small one’, the idiot said.

‘Why not? Just use a small coffee cup,’ I said noticing the large milk shake cups.

‘Nup, no button for a small milk shake on the cash register.’

‘Are you kidding? You have three different coffee sizes and you can’t do a small milk shake for a kid?’

‘Nup, no button for a small milk shake on the cash register.’

*Stare in an unbelievably disturbed fashion for a while*

‘I’ll just pay for the large size then…but can you put it in a small coffee cup please.’

‘Mmm not sure.’

‘Right so you’re saying that my child can’t have a milk shake in a small cup because the stupid cash register doesn’t have the right button, that my choice is being controlled by a missing button? ARE YOU SHITTING ME?’

Lunch

People in my office are over interested in other people’s lunches or food in general. I find that very annoying. Well particularly when they are interested in my lunch. Now I get the whole lunch envy thing. Especially when I am looking down the barrel (or staring disinterestedly at my plate) of a salad comprised of a tomato, iceberg lettuce leaf, a dash of balsamic and 3 pieces of cucumber. I smell the lasagne’s, the Thai curries and the cheese toasties and I have lunch envy. I do. But I don’t get up in someone’s face about their dish and prod at it with the tip of my index finger.

‘Mmmm looks great. You make that?’

I don’t stoop over a plate of steaming delights taking in an audible whiff, possibly dropping possible hairs into it and say, ‘yum what’s that? That’s a lot of calories’ … like they do.

‘Yuk, what’s that?’ I want to say pointing in their face.

I had a bowl of muesli this morning and put some goji berries in it ... well didn’t that start a conversation.

‘Oh, what’s that?’

‘Muesli.’

‘No, the red things?’

‘Goji berries?’

‘Really? Goji berries.’

Fascination and then ... she did it ... she poked one ... what the actual fuck? It’s not a slug, or part of an unidentified bug species that may bite or retaliate in some freaky fashion ... it’s a BERRY and it’s MY BREAKFAST!!! It’s annoying.