Dickheads

 Do not eat that

‘Do not eat.’ They are tiny desiccant sachets we find in the bottom of vitamin and pill bottles and in a packet of wraps. They are a harmless absorbent moisture and odour sponges, necessary to cope with the shipping and atmospheric conditions and changes in temp that could cause moisture to ruin the pill quality, for example. I for one am glad they put, ‘do not eat’ on the packet because who knows what might happen … I may eat it. Doesn’t look like my vitamin but hell, it’s in there … must be edible, and you know why they put ‘do not eat’ on it? It’s because of the dick heads who eat it, and they’re the ones walking around the world with a bad case of dry mouth, their puffy tongues lolling ridiculously between their parched lips.

FB

With Facebook (Failbook, Faceache, Bookface, Stalkerbook) we are subject to all sorts of super fascinating little stories and photos from others. There are pictures of people's rissole and mash dinners, surprise bunches of flowers from a partner, a nice pic of Nana bowling Freddy out in cricket (sepia for that one – with frame). Both cute and sad animal pictures of small white baby animals being kicked across a football field and then there are the check ins from the gym or a bar in a cool part of town (and I am the check in queen so am definitely not knocking the ‘check in’). Declarations of love for Jesus, the braggy kids posts, hate for Trump (because he is a cockhead, let’s face it), pro-gay marriage slogans, pops humour, boasts of accomplishments people pin to show off and get validated by fb friends and strangers they've never met but play Candy Crush with. Then we get bloody really, ordinary posts like, ‘that moment when’ or worse ‘that awkward moment when …’ shut up dick head! People, get an original thought. You can even join these groups if they want to share their really awkward moments in life. ‘That awkward moment when Santa and I have the same wrapping paper’… oh yes, that is awkward. ‘That awkward moment when you slept with your neighbour and then accidentally told your wife.’  Facebook brings us all the dick heads of the world we didn’t realise existed before FB.

PNP’s

Personalised number plates! And unbelievably stupid, personalised number plates that state what the make of the car is, for example, BMW-007… there are BMW badges on the car asshole, no one needs an explanation, no one cares! Why would you do this? You’re some wanker that needs to point this out. I almost (barely) understand why personalised number plates can be cutesy or mildly amusing when you’re 17, and they may even possibly be clever to some degree (a really, really, small degree) but JAG-975 or MERC-05 is stupid! Your name? Is stupid. I mean you can put whatever you want on those suckers, pretty much but it simply makes you a dick. A really, small dick.

Mutton dressed as lamb

There is nothing more tragic than a bitch who wears lippy above her lip. This is where they got the phrase ‘mutton dressed as lamb.’ It also includes the wearing of leopard skin or other animal print, fur coats, collagen lips and visible 'g' strings of anyone over 55 … stop it! I know it’s an offensive title, referring to an older lady dressing like a much younger one … but deliberately trying to deceive when you’re not in the race is just catastrophic. Men too, can be mutton dressed as ram, it’s depicted by a Lamborghini and gold jewellery, fake tans, gold sluggers (budgie smugglers, dick bathers), teenage blonde girlfriends and spray on hair … what the hell?

Bug bear

Often when I’m on a call to an insurer, or bank or Medicare for example, I often hear on the other end of the phone (when speaking to a real person), ‘bear with me’, not just once but every time their computer screen freezes or they have to go and ask a supervisor something (rubbish, they’re going out for a smoke), or they blink. I spoke to one fellow on the phone recently who while very helpful, did my head absolutely in because he said it every few seconds ‘bear with me’, ‘bear with me’, ‘bear with me’. Sometimes he mixed it up by adding words like 'Just bear with me' or 'bear with me please'. Did he not realise he was saying it? Did he not know what else to say? Was he panicking? Is he a dick? 'Ssshhuuuush', I wanted to yell, - 'stop saying that, it’s stupid’. I know it’s a polite way of saying be patient with me while I fix up your stuff but say it once, not every three seconds. Got it the first time, dick!

Acro is not a dirty word

Acronym conversations are run-of-the-mill for public servants, and in all honesty, I’m kinda taken aback when people from outside government stop us mid conversation and ask what it all means … God where do we start? Occasionally (a lot) … we don’t even know what the words to the acronym are, but we know what they mean … for example, I was a SATO from the SAT team who worked with DS. My role includes doing TLR’s, COFP’s, meeting with NGO’s, sorting through YLYC and funding rounds for S4SL. We use BIS to record ICAPS and ONI’s and approach HACCQCC on a regular basis. If HACCQCC can’t assist there is always CCRC and ERF-FSG. We assist with MASS, CAEATI, VOSS and CLI and at the end of the day after all is said and done … we are just dicks without words.

Bananas in Pyjamas

There’s just no excuse for this kind of dick.  Daddy pig runs a close second.